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: A Grand And Glorious Adventure: The Saboteur Years

“A truly compelling account of Paul’s life, told with remarkable awareness and understanding.”

Devra Ann Jacobs, Editor, Mystic Pop Magazine

From the back cover:

Inside these pages is the profound journey into the heart and soul of a man who spent his entire life looking for love and self-worth outside himself. With tremendous honesty and sincerity, Paul explains how as a spiteful angry young man he locked himself into an emotional cocoon where he operated out of his head rather than to give love or be loved.

Within his lonely and fearful world Paul became so desperate to please God that after graduating from high school he allowed himself to be swallowed up by Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church. He speaks candidly about his 22 years as a Moonie including being one of Moon’s chosen leaders, about his struggles with his sexuality, and about the tremendous challenge of developing a relationship with his Moon-chosen spouse.

After divorcing both Moon and his spouse, Paul’s adventure turned inward where he learned through meditation and journaling that God was within him, not outside him. He slowly realized that all his life he’d been trying to manipulate the world outside himself in an attempt to repair his broken heart by wanting everyone to join him in his healing. Such massive expectations eventually caused tremendous heartbreak. He had to learn to accept all the things about himself he once hated and finally discovered deeper meaning to his life only when he began surrendering to the absolute wonder of God, the mystery of life itself. This is a fascinating story for anyone who is even mildly curious about living a spiritual path.

This book is 252 pages of adventure. An excerpt from the book, pages 123-125:

"...Precisely. Based on an emotional attachment to the need to suffer as a way to find God, guilt became my constant companion. I was never good enough because I always felt guilty that I wasn’t doing enough. Why? Because no matter how hard I worked, I believed Moon himself was working harder. How can I truly be worthy of God’s love when the one who is my source for that love does more than me? This was quite a dilemma and it was a living hell yet I was addicted to it. Why? Because I believed my hell was my ticket to heaven. I believed on the day of my death I will have to review my life in the presence of God. I wanted God to see how much I had suffered just for him. I believed Moon would be standing there like a defense lawyer, speaking on my behalf to convince God that all my suffering was indeed a good thing—done in support of his Messianic mission. I hoped Moon’s argument would be persuasive enough to convince God so he would smile and gladly open the gates and let me in. Now I realize such a notion was BS—conjured up in the head where God does not exist. I have found out life doesn’t work this way at all. God is non-partial. God supports every desire I have. As long as I believed I needed to be in hell, I desired to be in hell and thus, I created hell for myself by creating emotions that matched my belief, and of course, the world outside of me became a mirror of my hell. The reason didn’t matter at all because the reason was based on mental gobbledygook. There are plenty of reasons I can come up with for why I believe what I believe but God doesn’t care about what I think or believe. God compassionately supports my choices because I am a piece of him with free will to do whatever I want. God doesn’t care what I choose. Since I am inseparable from God, in reality, I am the one who agrees with my beliefs and I create corresponding emotions to support them. The ultimate source God simply supports me. That’s his unconditional love—to let me believe and create whatever I want without judgment or interfering.

All my life I have reinforced my belief that I need to suffer! Like God, experiences are also non-partial. Things happened to me and my mind interpreted these experiences based on my beliefs. Since I believed I needed to suffer, my mind concluded that my experiences were happening to support my belief so it said to me, “Indeed, life is suffering. It’s clear.” Suffering emotions followed and deep inside I felt good because I believed I was doing the right thing and consequently, I was locked into my suffering all the deeper.
The love that I am, or God, dwells in my heart. Thus, within my heart is an infinite abundance of love. However, when I chose to believe my mom sucked the life out of me and then abandoned me, I assigned my mind the job of protecting the love in my heart. I didn’t want anyone to see it because I intuitively knew how precious all this infinite love was and I didn’t want anyone just using it for their own gain or abusing it in any way so I asked my mind to be the guardian angel over my heart—to protect it at all costs from intruders. Shortly thereafter and as I grew, I found myself under the guidance of both my parents. I interpreted my dad’s lack of emotion and emphasis on discipline and my mom’s lack of self-worth through the eyes of fear and was further convinced I needed to protect my heart.
As I entered my educational years I learned I was born a sinner, that I wasn’t worthy to stand alone before God, that I needed someone outside myself to go through if I wanted a relationship with this God, and that this person, Jesus, demanded obedience. I learned Jesus had shown the way to God through his suffering, that in fact the reason for his being alive at all was to die to pay for my sins. I was told this was the greatest example of love—he who lays his life down for another. Thus, the message was clear—being willing to suffer for the sake of others amounted to unconditional love, and the greatest love of all was seen by those whose suffering for the sake of others reached the point of death. These are the beliefs I was exposed to. Since I was already convinced I needed to protect my heart and thus did not allow anyone to see the boundless love that resided inside my heart, I was already in hell because by refusing to give love out I had automatically blocked it from coming in and life without love is hell. These beliefs I was being exposed to by the Catholic Church gave my fertile mind reasoning that supported the hell I was already creating for myself. These beliefs gave me a mental justification for suffering. Now I could at least reason logically when I was in my self-created hell that I was following in Jesus’ footsteps and thus my suffering was good. It gave me all the more ammunition to maintain my mind as the protector of my heart. From then on whenever I was confronted with the love in my heart (God), whenever I felt it pulling me towards a relationship—an opportunity to open it up—my mind immediately stepped in and reminded me of the gobbledygook that was floating around up there. It convinced me I was better off staying away from this opportunity because, after all, I would have to open up my heart and let my glorious love be seen if I pursued it. That wouldn’t jive at all with the notion that if I wanted to be close to God I needed to be like Jesus whose example was that of suffering. Based on this reasoning I justified keeping my heart closed—and felt good about it. Remember, I was just a kid so I really had no idea what was going on inside my head. All I knew was fear.
Meanwhile, God (the love in my heart) waited patiently while I carried on with my analytical gobbledygook and continually created hell for myself. By the time I was in high school desiring to get close to girls—to have sex and all the rest, my beliefs were so engrained there was no way I was going to let all my love (God) be seen outside the box I was keeping it in. Thus, allowing me such pleasure was out of the question. When I was exposed to the book Be Here Now after high school all these deep-seated beliefs were threatened. Ram Dass was telling me that I was responsible for my suffering and that I could change it and deep inside this didn’t jive with what I believed, although I wanted it too because I was tired of suffering. But somewhere inside I was asking myself why I would want to change my suffering if by tasting it I was getting close to Jesus (and I did feel close to Jesus). When I chose to separate myself from the Be Here Now gang and went home where I was exposed again to dad’s lack of emotion and demands for obedience and mom’s lack of self-worth, I freaked. I was as ripe as ripe could be for Moon’s teachings at that point and, when exposed to them, latched onto them like nobody’s business.
What Moon presented me was even better than what the Catholics taught. With Moon I had the opportunity to serve a living Messiah, not a dead one I could only talk to but never see. With Moon, I could see him, feel his love, and get clear direction concerning what God wanted me to do with my life directly from him without having to dig inside my heart and wrestle with this question. When, in Feb. 1975 I was on my hands and knees begging God to show me what he wanted me to do the night before I met one of Moon’s representatives, I was tasting the challenge I now realize I had to face sooner or later of digging deep inside myself to discover who I am and what I am here for. The answer to these questions can only be found inside, not outside through someone I believe to be God’s representative or through a book of truth. It was so much easier for me to latch onto Moon’s teachings rather than to continue the agonizing process of self-discovery. I filled my head with his dogma and took off running. Oh, and did I mention I remained locked into my self-created hell? That’s a given here and I still didn’t have a clue what was really going on inside my head.
Only now, over 30 years later, am I realizing the only way out is to consciously choose to see all my experiences as a gift and a blessing, not as suffering at all. I now understand I have to train my mind to see every situation and circumstance as God loving me. It’s critical that my mind agrees with this since my emotions are created by my beliefs. Thus, only when my belief becomes that all life is a reflection of the love of God can my emotions begin to support this belief and thus reinforce it with feelings of love and joy. I see now that I have to fire my mind as the guardian of my heart and then reprogram it so it can handle a different job. It has only done one job, so it’s naïve about the other job potential it has. I have to teach it that the greatest way it can help itself (and me in the process) is to stay quiet and observe when I begin making an effort to open up my heart to let my love flow out. As you have seen and will continue to see, this re-education process has been like trying to teach an old dog new tricks. My mind often rebels and goes back to its old job.
The greatest problem I’ve had is that I’ve not been aware of what my deepest beliefs are. I thought I knew but in reality I didn’t have a clue how deeply embedded in me was the notion that the only way to God is through suffering. I’ve discovered self-awareness is crucial if I want to develop a genuine relationship with God (myself). Self-awareness means waking up to what my deepest beliefs are. Only when I am aware of what I believe can I possibly make the choice to change my beliefs, that is, if in my awareness I can see that they no longer work for me. Only when my beliefs are such that they cause emotions of love and joy can I truly find inner peace. In other words, only when I reach the level of awareness that I am inseparable from God can I truly allow myself to let the infinite, boundless love of God that dwells in my heart shine out freely to all without any need to restrict it. The only thing capable of placing restrictions on my ability to love freely is dogma, which as far as I’m concerned is all mental gobbledygook..."

There are two ways you can order this book:: 1) For a personalized autographed copy of Paul's book, send a check or money order for $25. Allow two weeks for delivery and be sure to include where you want the book to be sent. Send to:
: 2) To order online on amazon.com, click here:; A Grand and Glorious Adventure

: NEW:
: Developing A Relationship With Yourself
: This is a 2 CD Set

The most important and profound relationship you can possibly ever have is your relationship with yourself, where honor, acceptance, respect, love and compassion govern this relationship. New Energy consciousness means choosing to be completely authentic and real. For most of Paul’s life, he was not authentic because he hated himself but didn’t know it. Upon realizing this, he made a commitment to learn to love himself no matter what. He discovered that the aspects of himself he was constantly battling and pushing away only wanted to be loved. By accepting and honoring them they were able to come to a natural resolution. Part of this process involved shifting his focus from his mind, which he had been allowing to control him, to his heart, where he realized he was not separate from Source. This shift allowed him to begin loving himself and others coming from a place of compassion.
: In this 2 CD set, Paul shares honestly and sincerely from personal experience, insights into what it means to develop a genuine relationship with yourself (Source). If remembering who you are is what you are seeking, this CD will provide you with priceless tools to achieve this.

To listen to an excerpt of this cd, click here: Audio Excerpt

There are two ways you can order this 2 CD set:

1) Send a check or money order for $20. Allow two weeks for delivery and be sure to include where you want the 2 CD set to be sent. Send to:
: 2) To order online, click here:; Developing A Relationship With Yourself

NEW: Leap! DVD

Leap! is a film that compels you to consider the ageless theory that “The world is an illusion“. This idea may challenge your current beliefs and ideals, but then again Einstein did say, “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” Leap! explores ancient and modern philosophies and philosophers who support the illusion theory. To Leap! beyond the illusion is to let go and live from inspiration….To Leap! beyond the constraints of your current perceived reality and what you think you know…. The purpose of Leap! is to invite each of us to live beyond the illusion. This movie is not about denying our physical experience. Ultimately it is about leaping beyond limitations and restrictions which this illusion appears to impose.

To watch a trailer and/or purchase this DVD, click here: Buy Now

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