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NEW: Paul has an article in the November 2009 issue of the online magazine, Kinetics Magazine entitled "Healing the Wounded You". Click here to read it: Healing To view article1, click on the link below. When you have finished reading it, click on "top." To view all other articles, first click on the essay number you wish to read and then click on that same article number again. article1
Apostle Paul article6
Change Your Focus--Change Your Habit article11
The Meaning of Trust article16 article21 The Apostle Paul My awareness of my divine nature has come on the foundation of spending my entire life in search of truth, looking desperately to understand exactly what Source is all about as well as who I am. For many years I spent countless hours in prayer asking, begging, even demanding that Source show me who I am. Often I would do my praying on long walks. In the summer of 2003, while on one such walk, the following words suddenly came pouring out of my mouth: “Just like the Paul of old who brought the word of Jesus Christ to the known world in his day, so too will you bring the message of the new Source to the known world today.” These words surprised me. I knew I hadn’t just made this up. It felt as though someone else had actually channeled them, using my mouth. I wondered about the meaning of these words that had come out of my mouth. According to Lee Carroll, who channels a spiritual entity known as Kryon, the definition of channeling is, "The divine, inspired words (or energy) of Source as imparted to humans by humans" (see more about channeling). Such divinely inspired words can come through a human from a spirit entity, or it can come directly from Source, which dwells inside the human who is channeling. In 1991, I began sitting in on public sessions where St. Germain was being channeled through a psychic medium, Philip Burley. Since then I have heard several spiritual entities channel through various humans. Later, in the spring of 2001, I had the opportunity to attend several public channeling sessions of an entity known as Dr. Peebles. On at least three occasions I received profound answers to my personal questions from him. I had never met the channeler before so I knew I could trust his words because of how much he knew about me. In December 2003 I had the opportunity to ask a question to Tobias, as channeled through Geoffrey Hoppe. Among other things, Tobias suggested I study the words of the Apostle Paul so I could understand why I chose the name Paul in this lifetime. Remembering the words I had spoken the summer before, I was surprised to hear Tobias make such a statement, and became even more intrigued about the meaning of those words. In March 2004, during a private session with Dr. Peebles, I asked him what he could tell me about why I chose the name Paul. The following is a synopsis of Dr. Peebles' response: “…The Apostle Paul was the most disillusioned apostle of them all. He had a very hard time with the death of Jesus Christ. As a part of the reparation of his own broken heart, he had to make sense of the death and the resurrection in a more pedantic way. This was important for his healing. What we see in the written word of Paul is that he had a tendency to try to manipulate the world outside himself because he was trying to fix and repair his broken heart and he wanted everyone to join him in that healing. He was never able to release himself to the absolute wonder of what had actually occurred, the remarkable truth of the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Paul couldn't fathom this. He was no different than any other human being who has had an encounter with a spirit and then later shrugs it off as the light playing tricks on his eyes. That is the way Paul was. He struggled like crazy to make sense of something that he just couldn't make sense of. It wasn't meant to have sense to it. It was meant to free up the human spirit. So why did you choose the name Paul, because you are the resurrection of the very same. He was one of your past lives. You have tried to cross every T and dot every I, and the truth is that Christ cannot be put into a box but he can be put inside your heart…” What could I say to this? I have no memory of having been the Apostle in a previous lifetime. However, on a cellular level I some how know that I was indeed the Apostle but of course, have no way of proving this. The truth is, whether I was or wasn’t doesn’t really matter. What I do know is that I have all the traits of the one whom Dr. Peebles spoke about above. My nature has been to try to control those around me in an attempt to get them involved in my own healing. This is because I have been unwilling to take responsibility for myself—until now. The more I discover Source within, the more I am compelled to release any need for someone else to take responsibility for me. I've also had a strong tendency to study truth in a more pedantic way, to the point of overkill at times. While this can be a good trait, it has more often than not kept me stuck in major mental boxes, unwilling and unable to see from any one else's perspective. It's been my way or no way. Once I make up my mind about something, I've had a very hard time changing it, even when I see where my idea doesn't work too well. Such attitude has kept me feeling rather empty, until now. Learning to accept this about myself has made all the difference in the world. I began praying sincerely for Source to reveal to me what it all means. On May 29, 2006, I awoke from a dream about Apostle Paul. I couldn’t remember what it was about, only that I knew I’d had an encounter with the Apostle. I felt a strong need to get up and begin writing. When I picked up my pen, I couldn’t write fast enough. The following is a summary of what flowed out of me that morning: “After being knocked off his horse, Paul was very confused. He tried to make sense of what had just happened. He approached Christians, but as you can imagine, they feared him because they knew who he was, what he’d been doing. They felt he was trying to trick them into talking about Jesus so he could persecute them or worse, murder them, so it was very difficult for him. Eventually, reluctantly, some began to open up. He kept hearing about the miracles and about Jesus’ love, which only further confused him. He had fear and doubt. Fear because his job was to eliminate these people, so what would his authorities think if they found out what he was doing? Doubt because he couldn’t understand how anyone could do miracles. He wasn’t fully convinced and yet he couldn’t deny his experience with Jesus, nor could he deny that these Christians had so great a love that they were willing to risk their lives for their faith. Frankly, it scared the hell out of him… "Paul lived in his head. It was there that he began to analyze everything. When the authorities heard he was sympathizing with the Christians, they were outraged and demanded he be seized and imprisoned. Thus, Paul had to run. Now instead of being the persecutor, he was being hunted. He had been living high on the hog, but this reduced him to a peasant. He was under a lot of stress and pressure, and desperately needed a savior. He listened to the stories of the early Christians and wanted to believe—needed to believe something to keep his sanity. This is when he allowed their ideas to swallow him up. He grabbed them and began to formulate his own ideas in his head that later became the core theology of the church. For example, he was told to love women, but he couldn’t because he despised them. What could he do? He compromised. Since Jesus was a man, he decided Source must be masculine, so he determined that women should have a submissive role. The early Christians didn’t always welcome his ideas and this frustrated him, because he desperately needed to be loved. They did love him, but he couldn’t receive it, because he hated himself for what he had done. They were humble and caring, two qualities he couldn’t relate to since he had been arrogantly persecuting these people… "He also had a huge libido and had a very hard time putting a lid on it, so when he was with those who knew Jesus, he felt tons of guilt and shame and tried to put on a good face, but inside he was suffering. He couldn’t deal with the pain, so instead he avoided them and went elsewhere looking for anyone who would listen to him. He found fresh souls and told them about his savior. He did this out of his own need. His speaking came out of his head and he felt empowered by it. He loved to spout off his ideas, to boast about them, but when the crowds left, he was alone with himself, his fears, doubts, shame and guilt, and couldn’t deal with this either, so he forced himself to get up every day and push on, looking for more fresh souls to speak to… "He tried to show them an example of the love of Jesus only because his truth compelled him to and he had seen the love of the early believers, but he never really wanted to be doing what he was doing. He didn’t know how to truly love anyone because he hated himself, but he felt he had no choice but to serve. It was either that or he’d have to take responsibility for the pain in his heart and that was far too scary. He wasn’t just running from the authorities, he was running from his own past, his shame and guilt—himself. So the early church was spread by a man who was very confused and torn within himself… "He attracted people who mirrored his own struggle with opening up their hearts. They were drawn to him because they, too, hated themselves and wanted to be swallowed up by a savior. They listened to him and tried to follow, but had a very hard time living up to Paul’s standard, because they, like Paul, didn’t truly know how to love. They felt compelled to love because this was the message, but only because it reinforced their own need to control out of insecurity and this was the type of followers that were initially converted by Paul. Those who had a need to control attracted those who had a need to be controlled. Today’s Christianity reflects the fear and doubt of Paul in its teachings—the need to absolutely put faith in Jesus rather than take personal responsibility to be the love that they are by putting their faith in themselves… "The deeper he got into this, the more stuck he became. He desperately longed for love, for intimacy, so in his travels he’d revisit his past, indulging in sexual pursuits and this added to his guilt. He had no one he could confide in, because he believed he had to put on a good face to his followers and this kept him in hell… "Eventually he had pockets of people scattered all over and felt compelled to make sure they kept his standard. His ideas gained him admiration and respect, but not love. He made a name for himself, so when he traveled anyone who had heard of him served him out of admiration and respect. On the one hand, Paul felt grateful for this, but on the other hand, it frustrated him, because it wasn’t enough to heal his broken heart. Being treated like royalty made him uncomfortable, because he believed he was a fake… "He didn’t know how to actually open his heart and surrender his love, so rather than settling down after getting a core group to accept his ideas, he would appoint a leader and then move on. He’d hear reports about struggles and disunity, so he began to write to them out of a need to keep everything under control and these letters now make up Paul’s portion of the gospel. Is it any wonder that the Christian message became so distorted, focused on power and control rather than love?… "For all the inspiration he felt while speaking his ideas, it never fulfilled him inside, because he refused to love himself. He feared that someone might find out the truth about him. Really, he didn’t understand himself, because the pain was so great he denied it and kept on the run. Eventually he died a lonely man, because he was never willing to go inside and have a peek at what was going on in there, inside his heart. He was too addicted to spreading the word, because this is what fed him… "Your life, Paul, is a re-enactment of the Apostle’s life. You allowed yourself to be swallowed up by Moon because you were unable to deal with your own pain. You got high on speaking, but always knew inside it didn’t truly fulfill you, because you refused to get intimate with anyone, especially yourself. Instead, you’ve remained on the run, refusing to settle down and live your truth. Your libido has been out of control at times and this has caused much guilt, because you always felt you had to keep the standard to save face, but the others couldn’t feel your love, because it wasn’t done out of love, it was done to cover up your self hatred. You, like the Apostle, had a need for power to control. You can free up your spirit now Paul by allowing Source to swallow you up…” When I read over what I had written, I felt I’d just been given a huge clue into the mystery of my life—and the Apostles. It was as if another piece of the puzzle had just fallen into place. It was a bombshell to be sure, but my soul resonated with every word. In the months since then, I have received even further insight into the life of the Apostle Paul and how his life relates to my own. Paul’s letters in the Bible reveal how he totally misunderstood Jesus based on his own guilt and need to be free of his emotional suffering. Unfortunately, when the church leadership met to decide which books would be allowed in the Bible, the people were unaware of their own divine nature and thus, were under the illusion of needing someone or something outside themselves to take responsibility for them. The Apostle’s words fit right into this lack of awareness and consequently, they became some of the most coveted of all the books in the Bible. To all believers in Christ, Paul’s words literally became the “word
of God”. Since the majority of the Christian churches follow Paul's
words more than Jesus', Christianity's perspective of Jesus puts him on
a pedestal rather than making him our brother, which in my own experience
is a more accurate understanding of who Jesus actually is. I now understand
that we are all Source in human form. Humanity continues to suffer because
we continue to believe we are small and insignificant while we look to
a god outside ourselves for guidance, hope, and to put our faith in. Such
understanding does not make it possible for humans to treat each other
with the dignity of Source. My desire is to show by example through my
own life the unconditional love of Source. It’s no easy task because
none of us really know what real unconditional love actually looks like,
but nevertheless, I remain committed to living my truth.
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