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SAMPLE CHAPTERS INTRODUCTION
More than anything else, I’ve always craved a relationship with God. I’ve had a need to taste His love and be worthy of Heaven and this has caused me to push myself relentlessly, even ruthlessly at times, to be free of anything that stood between God and I. In short, my desire to please God has been my sole identity, keeping me in a constant search outside myself to find something that could satisfy my thirst for meaning and purpose, and most of all, for love, companionship, and attention. Nothing else has ever really motivated me like this desire has. I believed finding God was the solution to finding the love and happiness I so desperately craved. I didn’t realize that I already was that love and had it inside of me all the time. As a kid, I was taught that I was an unworthy sinner and had better be a “good little boy” if I knew what was good for me. This notion put me on a path to do everything I possibly could to become worthy, because the last thing I wanted to happen was to wind up in hell. I tried so hard to be the perfect little boy and always did exactly what I was told was the right thing to do. The problem with this was that it controlled my every move. I had to make sure I was always seen as the good little boy, because I thought I had to do everything strictly by the book. Therefore, I could never be spontaneous. Attempting to control everything around me made life very empty and unfulfilled. I could never allow myself to “go with the flow” where my heart was encouraging me to go. I’d either give inspirations a try, only to quit when the going got tough, or I’d sabotage myself before even acting on an inspiration. Meanwhile, what I didn’t know then, but have since realized, is that God does not exist in the realm of thoughts and ideas, nor do I have to do anything to be loved by God. Just the fact that I am is good enough. God dwells inside my heart as pure, unconditional, non-judgmental love. He just loves me, period—no strings attached. Therefore, my desire to always do exactly what I was told has backfired. The lackluster existence it caused was too much to bear. I hated myself for making the choice to be controlling, but didn’t know this. I channeled my self-hatred into spite for authority figures, especially my parents, refusing to give them the love I had inside me. Now I was really stuck, because love could only be experienced when I was willing to give it, but my heart was shut down. This predicament of never feeling loved brought about self-pity, which caused me to look outside myself for love and attention, but I never found it. Gradually, I became very frustrated and for relief, sometimes I intentionally broke the rules out of spite. For example, sometimes I stole things. Other times I refused to go to church. As I grew older, I began indulging in such behaviors as getting drunk and doing drugs, looking at porn, and self-flagellation, to name a few. These behaviors were actually just an attempt on my part to feel loved. I wanted to desperately find God so I could feel worthy, but it never worked. Instead, I developed all kinds of addictions. Then, when I was told these behaviors were wrong, I became scared to death. I was convinced that I was in deep trouble with God and began mentally beating myself up for doing such things (and even physically hurting myself at times). I actually condemned myself for what I thought was unacceptable behavior (in the eyes of God), thinking that because of it, I wasn’t good enough. I felt that was sinning against God and thus, was not worthy of his love when in fact, the exact opposite was true. I was indulging in these behaviors because I’d been told a lie that I was a sinner who wasn’t good enough in God’s eyes unless I was the perfect little boy. Attempting to live like this caused a very frustrating, lackluster existence. I was caught in a vicious circle with no way out. I was convinced I had to invest all my energy into trying to change these “ungodly” behaviors if I was to ever have any hope of finding God when these behaviors were, in reality, my way of desperately trying to feel something—anything. This vicious circle actually caused yet another addiction—to emotional pain. Since nothing else was working in my quest to feel loved, I began playing the role of a victim. I discovered this at least managed to get me some attention. There was nothing fulfilling about it either, but some attention was better than nothing, and it’s where I wound up stuck for life—believing I’m a victim and addicted to the emotional pain that this belief has created. Only recently have I realized that this search for God and love through all my addictions was in vain, because I was looking in all the wrong places. What happened was, at one point in the midst of my day-to-day search, I learned that I’m the creator of my reality. I’d heard people talk about it many times, and had read about it, probably hundreds of times, but could never grasp its meaning. Sometimes I thought it meant that if I work hard to accomplish my dreams, one day I’d eventually reap the harvest. In this way, I’d be the creator of my dreams, earned by my own sweat. Other times, I thought I could literally cause my dreams to manifest by visualizing myself already experiencing them. However, I was never fully satisfied with either of these explanations. For one thing, I’ve worked very hard all my life, but have never even come close to fulfilling my dreams. For another, usually when I’ve tried visualizing anything, my mind has drawn a blank, leaving me frustrated. Then one day it came to me. I cannot consciously control anything that goes on around me, but what I think and feel about what does happen is always my choice. I can choose to take full responsibility for all my thoughts and emotions. In other words, my moment-to-moment experience is created by my own perception of what’s happening. In this way, I literally create my reality. People do what they do, but I don’t have to be influenced by them if I choose not to be. Whether I am or not, they are not responsible for my response. Sometimes people do things I don’t like, which triggers anger in me and then I’ll blame them for making me angry. For example, a woman I once worked with would do things that always got on my nerves and I’d think, “I can’t stand that woman because she’s so controlling. She makes me very angry.” Everyone else who knew her agreed she was a bitch, so I felt justified thinking she was the cause of my anger, but I was lying to myself. The truth is, I loved getting angry and blaming her for it! When I could finally admit this truth to myself, it was the first step towards taking full responsibility for my thoughts and emotions. Okay, so now I knew I didn’t have to choose anger when she tried to control me, but this was easier said than done. Choosing to overlook her need to control and to smile instead of becoming angry didn’t really work, because I still didn’t like her. I was in a constant struggle within myself trying to befriend her, even as she continually triggered my anger. I kept asking myself what was going on and then realized that everyone around me is a mirror of me. I was easily angered by this woman’s controlling nature because it clashed with my own. I, too, am controlling and have never liked this fact about myself. Thus it wasn’t her I was actually angry at, it was me for being controlling myself. In this way, I realized that rather than being a bitch, quite the opposite was true. This woman was actually a gift, because she was teaching me about a part of me I still hadn’t come to terms with. I realized this was another significant step towards taking responsibility for my thoughts and emotions. It didn’t stop there. I began working on first accepting and then releasing my need to be controlling and as I did this, something amazing happened. She no longer tried to control me! This allowed me to begin seeing qualities in her that I could appreciate. I realized these qualities were always there, but I couldn’t see them in her because I couldn’t see them in me. While I had a need to control everything around me, I could never love and appreciate myself. It’s impossible to control people, but because I was trying to, life was no fun. I hated myself for it and blamed everyone else for my miserable existence. This woman was simply reflecting back to me my own nature. While I was controlling that’s what I saw in her. As I accepted this about me and began releasing it, I began feeling better about myself and thus, what I saw in her shifted to that. She wasn’t the one who had changed, I was. To put it another way, I had changed my perception from that of being a victim of this woman’s controlling nature, to seeing her as a mirror of my own controlling nature. Seeing this prompted me to accept and honor this nature in me, which allowed me to appreciate other (more positive) qualities in myself and she, in turn, reflected back to me these very qualities. The upshot of this is that I realized I’m never a victim. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle, because I sometimes still do. It means I can never go back to judging and blaming others for the way I think and feel. No matter who enters my world, I now see them as a gift, because I know they have come into my life to reflect back to me exactly who I am. If there’s something about them I don’t care for, this is a wonderful opportunity for me to work on another aspect of myself that I still haven’t come to terms with—in fact, probably didn’t even know I had. If their presence uplifts me, making me feel good, this is a wonderful opportunity for me to see just how beautiful I am and how it’s my own beauty I’m feeling good about—not theirs. The bottom line then, is that I now understand that each person is an exact reflection of who I am at any given moment. After choosing to take responsibility for my thoughts and emotions, and learning that all of life is a mirror of who I am, I discovered there was still more to learn about taking responsibility when I heard about pre-life contracts. This is the belief that I am an eternal spirit and while I was in spirit, having yet to be born, made an agreement with my parents, my siblings, with anyone who has played a significant role in my life. The agreement was that we’d each take on a certain role while living on earth, a role that by its very nature would help each other in accomplishing our stated purpose for coming back in this lifetime. That’s taking responsibility to a new level, because it makes me the creator of even the circumstances into which I was born. It makes me aware that I had a role in choosing the types of individuals that surround me, the kind of personalities they have, etc. They are who they are, and I am who I am, because we each agreed to be this way out of total love for each other. For example, I believe my dad agreed to be a strict disciplinarian who would remain aloof emotionally while I grew up in his household, and my mom agreed to have no self-worth and to worry all the time. Combined with having ten other siblings who each added their own unique personalities, and the circumstances were set for me to enter the planet to have the kind of adventure I was seeking. Such understanding made it even clearer that I’m not a victim. It means I entered this world knowing exactly what I was getting into. I may not have known how I would deal with it all, but I knew exactly what I wanted to experience. I was excited about having an opportunity that could be compared to searching for a needle in a haystack. The needle in this case is that I am not separate from God but rather, I am a piece of this being who is a well-spring of pure unconditional love. Such love flows out from its heart non-stop with no agenda whatsoever. Thus, I have all these attributes within me, including being an eternal spirit, having the ability to love unconditionally without agenda, and having creatorship abilities. The haystack is all the illusions on this planet, specifically designed to convince me otherwise. They’re everywhere, a perfect design for making my experience a grand and glorious adventure, more exciting than winning the Super Bowl or lottery. I knew before being born that there wouldn’t be any place I could go for directions to discovering that I am a piece of God, because no one would have such a map. I also knew I wouldn’t be able to find a school that could instruct me on how to realize this truth. Not only that, but I was fully aware that I wouldn’t even remember anything about the agreements I made with anyone or my purpose for coming once I got here. Now that makes for quite an adventure, more adventurous than when Louis and Clark pioneered completely unknown territory in what’s now the western United States! Having a belief that I am God in the form of a human being (and so is everyone else of course), helps me to have compassion for myself and others. The earth is an even playing field, because all are unaware of this while it is true for all of us. This means we are all equal God-mates choosing to create our own experience exactly as we want it, and every single one of us has the opportunity to discover that we are inseparable from God if we choose. On the other hand, as a piece of God, stuck within this planet of illusions, I found myself at the mercy of rules and regulations that were created by my fellow God-mates who, like me, were ignorant of their true identity. Out of fear, humans thought they had to control their environment to maintain a sense of safety. Gradually this turned into self-control. However, all these rules, which are a product of the mind, have severely restricted the human heart, which seeks freedom at its very core; the kind of freedom that would allow love to flow freely from the well-spring that is deep within it. Becoming aware of this truth has caused much fear. The thing I fear the most is the very notion that I am divine, because as the creator, I cannot expect anyone else to take responsibility for me. The very idea of giving love all the time no matter what (without any need to judge) is extremely frightening, because it’s a total threat to my addiction to emotional pain. Such fear is the result of being taught that I am separate from God, which makes me a victim of what God throws at me. It’s a lot easier to play the role of a victim than it is to step into the shoes of the creator. Nevertheless, I choose to take responsibility as the creator of my reality rather than play the role of the victim even when, at times, my entire being wants to continue playing that game. At such times I have to dig deep inside my heart to find the faith I need to remain steadfast in my choice to maintain my creatorship. This book is about my life, written within the context that my life has been a very slow process of waking up to the truth that I am not separate from God. Generally, it’s about my personal struggles, my frustrations, my lackluster existence, how I’ve hated this about my life, and about my desire for wanting more. More specifically, it documents my process of becoming aware that I have the ability to love unconditionally (always have). It shows how every time I had an opportunity to love both myself and others, because of fear, I chose instead to sabotage myself, making my life miserable; a misery I became addicted to. In essence, this book is about my personal journey from my head to my heart, which I’ve discovered, is the dwelling place of God. I hold nothing back in sharing my fears, doubts, feelings of guilt and shame, lack of self-worth, and lack of faith. I also share, without apology, the insights and inspirations I’ve received through all the amazing experiences I’ve had. Experiences with other people appear in this book if they played a supporting role in my own personal process. I have in no way intended to judge them or harm the reputation of anyone. Each individual mentioned gave me their own unique gift to help me see and understand myself, and for that I love them all. Throughout this book, I refer to God as a he only because this is the most common gender given to God by humans, although I believe the ultimate source God (the creator of all matter) is genderless. When I say I’m a piece of God, I’m not singling myself out as any more special or important than any of my other fellow God-mates around the globe and universe. We are all special, because we are all a piece of God, having an adventure of free choice together as humans on a planet full of illusions. As revealing as you might find this book to be, it’s only the tip of the iceberg. I began writing journals in 1975 in an effort to keep a record of the amazing experiences I was having. I stayed consistent at it for the most part, although there were some gaps, but not enough that I couldn’t fill in from memory. I began the process of sifting through over 40 journals in the autumn of 2001 and found it challenging at times, because over the years I tended to write down a lot of the day-to-day details, but it was well worth it when I came across a deeper experience. The first draft was over 800 pages, consisting of what I’d considered were the most meaningful experiences I’d found in my journals. I divided this into two books and sent proposals for one of them to several publishers, but received no response. Since then I’ve re-edited it at least seven times in order to finally shape it into that which you now have in your hands. The contents of this book is only the beginning of an in-depth look into who I am and for this reason, I am already working on a second book. Where appropriate, I have included actual journal entries to convey the feeling of being in the moment when the experience actually occurred [and I’ve added comments in brackets occasionally, sometimes for humor’s sake, where appropriate]. Lastly, since time began humans have attempted
to make a “better” world for themselves and their offspring
to live in. The greater extent of their efforts has always been focused
on changing the external, whether through political, religious, scientific,
or any number of other means. It is my firm belief that ultimately, lasting
peace can only be found inside the heart. Finding it requires taking responsibility
to release all the judgments (illusions) about each other that have existed
within our heads since the beginning. Those who make this choice gradually
discover an unconditional love buried deep underneath all such illusions.
With this discovery comes a deep peace, one that goes way beyond understanding.
In this book I share with you my deepest, darkest secrets. Sharing such
“dirty laundry” with you is my way of freeing myself from
my own illusions. It releases me from the box that says I did something
wrong. If everyone knows my truth, there’s no one left to hide from.
I share my experiences with you because I’m compelled to do so from
the depth of my being. It is my truth and passion, one of several ways
I choose to give expression to the love that I am. CHAPTER 19
I’d been feeling wound up inside ever since receiving the confronting letter from Wendy, but this prayer was a turning point for me. That night I felt a reassurance from God that everything would be all right and felt a lot of gratitude. I was able to relax a bit, and afterwards I had the most wonderful experience with six guests during a five-day workshop at Aspen Hollow. They all expressed a lot of gratitude to me. The discussions after the lectures were so inspiring I felt sky high. In my journal on June 22nd, I captured the essence of what I was feeling: Everyone was so full of enthusiasm after the lectures. Then we played Crazy Eights because it was raining outside. I felt close to everyone and was feeling God’s love a lot...Everyone was so happy to be here and to have me here and I was grateful for that. It’s amazing that people are grateful for me. God is really bombing me with love. This is another great example of how I create my own reality. The words I heard from God caused me to lighten up and relax, feeling good about myself for a change. The workshop guests simply reflected back to me my own perception on that particular day. At 7:45 a.m. on Sunday, June 27th, I was among 16 people leaving Denver in two vans, New York bound. We drove straight through, stopping only for gas and to eat, arriving late on Monday night at the World Mission Center. The next morning I was asked to do guard duty at Madison Square Garden. From 8:30 in the morning, I spent seven and a half hours at the 33rd Street truck entrance making sure any church members who entered signed in. My parents arrived the same day, and afterwards I spent the rest of the day with them. One afternoon during my parents’ stay in
New York, we went to lunch and what happened there was something I never
expected. Dad and Mom spoke apologetically about how they’d failed
to love their children in the past. They wanted me to know they’d
been growing in love with each other, more every day. They said they knew
there was no way they could make up for not having been there emotionally
for so many years and they hoped I could be forgiving and understanding.
That was the first time I could remember them addressing such an issue.
Since I hadn’t yet dealt with any of my own issues, it was hard
to feel anything, but it showed me a desire on their part to have a relationship. Upon entering the Garden, we were directed to wait by a rotunda located near the entrance to the arena. Bright red carpet covered the floor and inside the arena, this carpet spread across the entire length of the vast floor. On our end sat a huge stage covered with white carpet. A large crowd had gathered in the stands. Moon and his wife were the first to enter the arena. They both wore floor length white robes and wore large gold crowns on their heads. They walked through the rotunda into the arena, turned towards the stage and ascended gracefully up the stairs. There they turned right and walked over to a small table holding a large vessel full of water sitting on the edge of the stage. When the cue to enter was given, all the brides and grooms began to slowly walk through the rotunda, four couples horizontally in a row moving as one. Moon and his wife stood on the stage directly above us. They dipped their hands into the vessel and began sprinkling water onto us as we walked by. Despite my struggles over the previous three years, on that day none of it mattered. Part of me was as excited as could be. All my life I’d wanted a woman I could love and be loved by, and it seemed to be finally happening. On the other hand, another part of me was extremely anxious. Without consciously thinking about it, somewhere inside I could feel I was getting into something that was going to be the greatest challenge I’d ever faced up until then. I could only hope for the best as we stood there waiting our turn to enter the arena. It was a long time before our turn finally came. Finally, holding hands, we moved up to the front of the line, merged with three other couples coming from three other directions, and together walked through the rotunda. I felt a drop of the water coming from Moon and his wife. I remember thinking how special that was. As the couples entered, they formed long rows on the floor that went across the entire arena to the back. When we finally stopped, Wendy and I were on the right side of the stage, about 50 yards back. From there we stood and watched the remainder of the couples make their way in, taking their places on the floor. In the end, there were 16 rows of brides and grooms, with all 2075 couples facing the stage [that’s about 130 couples per row!]. Moon and his wife wiped their hands off with a cloth and sat down in the center of the stage. Neal Salonen walked up to the dais and began emceeing the event. He introduced a few speakers who offered some congratulatory remarks and then Moon spoke to us briefly through a translator. Next, we each exchanged gold rings, placing them on the ring finger of the right hand of the other. We were then led through a series of four pledges, responding “yes” after each one. In short, we pledged to become a true husband and wife, to raise our children to live up to the will of God, that we would maintain a tradition of family unity, and that we would create an ideal family, which Moon believed would contribute to building the kingdom of God on Earth. Lastly, Moon and his wife led all of us in three “monsei” cheers as we lifted our hands up towards heaven and responded at the top of our lungs, “monsei!”
CHAPTER 46
Maria used a cyber-café for internet access, so she was in the public. When she read my e-mails, she cried tears of joy causing her to feel embarrassed. In her e-mail on the fifth day, she was already telling me about the tremendous love she had for me. In the same e-mail, she told me about a web site called Sacred Union and about how the author of the site, Suzanna Kennedy, describes her inner journey. Kennedy, she said, went through two partners before finding her true sacred union partner with the third. It turned out the first two had appeared in her life to show her some unresolved conflicts she still had. Maria shared with me that she subconsciously identified with Kennedy’s story and already had two partners who taught her about her own unresolved inner conflicts, and I was her third partner. When she was thinking about this, all of a sudden something clicked inside for her. I WAS HER SACRED UNION PARTNER! Maria also told me she was searching for a friend who wasn’t caught up in worldly things and had the will to find truth above everything else. Three years earlier, she had made a pact with a good friend of hers. They both agreed they’d be willing to die for the truth, so she was thrilled to have found such a truth-oriented person as myself. The last thing she shared in that e-mail was a vision she had of me while she was writing it. She saw me close up, sitting in a car. She said I was half smiling and glowing, and my eyes were sparkling. As she was having this vision, she received another e-mail from me. In this e-mail, I told her I was committed to being in a relationship with her if she was open to that. She immediately responded in the most incredibly enthusiastic way, stating emphatically that SHE ABSOLUTELY WANTED TO MAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP WORK! My heart was completely melted.
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